Family Holiday Survival Guide

Stop Dragging Your Past into Present Relationships Part Two of Two

By Dr. Linda Miles

The rapture phase of love gives each partner a feeling that is buoyant, lively, and fulfilling. You project onto your partner images of beauty, goodness, and love as if your partner were a canvas waiting to be painted on. The energy of this consciousness shines a bright light across the world, obliterating all the differences in your characters, lifting you and your partner to a higher state of being. You are atop the summit, and you sparkle to one another like diamonds with many facets of light.

This is as it should be. Robert Johnson observed that falling in love is meant to be an initiation into a world much greater than the individual: an introduction to the ideals of love, truth, and beauty that transcend the personal ego and ordinary life.

Problems arise when we do not learn how to manage the powerful energies that are released by love, when, months or years later, couples begin to become aware of their differences and begin finding fault with each other. They fall into the valley, and the intense energy they had felt becomes soulless and rigid as they engage in “right-wrong” games.

Their energies are channeled into a power struggle that can last for years as they stumble about through thickets and the “forests of the night.” They lose sight of the partner they had loved so much and turn them into a threatening figure from their past—a stalking “tiger.”

Their potential for transcendence and a relationship that is greater than the sum of its parts is squandered, and they lose themselves in the jungle of faultfinding and blaming. If this describes your situation, before you can free yourself, you must identify the forces at work in the shadowy realm that surrounds you. Keeping a journal and especially a 5 year journal, is a wonderful tool that can easily support you during this process. Check out The Five Year Journal

The good news is, you are no longer held fast by fairy tales, and transformation can begin. One of the most important lessons you must learn is that you cannot have transformation without experience, even heartbreak, for it’s the lived experience that allows you to create the transformation. You do not have to lose romance and passion in your relationship after giving up the fairy tales. Love gets better once you achieve transformation, and it’s well worth the effort.

Copyright 2005 Linda Miles Ph.D

Author, Dr. Linda Miles, is deeply committed to helping individuals and couples achieve rewarding relationships. She is an expert with a doctorate in Counseling Psychology, and has worked in the mental health field for over thirty years. She has been interviewed extensively on radio, TV, and in newspapers and magazines. Find more relationship ideas and relaxation techniques on her web site and in the award-winning book she co-authored, The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth, and Train Your Brain: For Successful Relationships, CD.