Introduction
THE ENERGIES OF LOVE
Research has shown that people in loving and lasting unions are
healthier, skinnier, have more frequent and better sex, make more money,
and live longer.*
As a marriage and family therapist for over thirty years, I have lived the
questions of how to manage the energies of love on a daily basis through
my work with couples and in my own life.
When a gesture as simple as holding hands can calm stress hormones
in the brain, imagine what a lifetime of love and connection can do for
your health, happiness, and sense of well-being.
A GOOD RELATIONSHIP GIVES LIFE
My client Josie’s parents were married for fifty years and still maintained
a friendship on fire after four children and many life hurdles. As Josie’s
mother was dying, her father sat beside the bed and took his wife’s hand.
“Baby, it’s OK to go. I will find you again.” Following his words, she literally
took her last breath. Josie was touched beyond words to see the affection
between her parents.
The purpose of this book is to take you on my journey as a
psychotherapist and illuminate a path in the direction of passionate and
intimate connection for life. A good relationship gives life.
Using many examples of clients I have seen over the years who
maintained friendship on fire, I want to engender hope that you can sustain
love. As I write on a lovely Fall afternoon, my intention is to reach out
and touch your heart and mind by sharing what I have learned through
professional and life experience.
FRIENDSHIP ON FIRE
What is a friendship on fire?
It is a compassionate and sensual bond that lasts because you find your
soul’s true home with your partner. The friendship offers safety, and the
fire provides the sparks.
In a friendship on fire union, partners are advocates and protectors of
the other and they share life-giving sparks of energy.
Robert Johnson observed that when we fall in love it is an initiation
into spiritual forces much greater than ourselves. Friendship on fire is
sustained by divine forces beyond our own egos. Those with this kind of
lasting connection share the knowledge that love is what matters in life
and make this a priority through gestures, facial expressions, touch, tone of
voice; they are vigilant about the delicate connection of their souls. They
remember that they are so much more than their egos.
Friendship on Fire is not for everyone. If you want a convenient
partnership; blame others for your unhappiness, take your rage out on them or
have addiction problems that you are not ready to face, this book is probably
not for you. Friendship in Fire is about a shared life journey of souls.
Those with friendship on fire are guardians of each other’s wellbeing.
Roberta and Burt maintained a friendship on fire for forty-five years.
They laughed, declaring that they had to learn to work things out because
the world felt too darn cold when they were at odds.
When Burt was dying of cancer, Roberta still saw the young man she
first met. Although he weighed only ninety-five pounds and had an ashen
color, she still felt their love. As he was dying on a Monday afternoon in the
living room filled with memories, she expressed, “We have always worked
things out together. I am with you now, and my love goes with you.”
John Claypool wrote after the death of his eleven-year-old daughter,
“For years, I took life for granted and assumed having a healthy family was
precisely what I deserved. I see now what an astonishingly good fortune
even a single day really is.”
Learning to manage the tension between passionate expression and
self-control opens the door to a friendship on fire. Years ago when our
granddaughter, Merritt, was five, I was reading her a fairy tale and was
disturbed by the ending “And they lived happily ever after.”
So I took the liberty of changing the ending to, “They began the work
of creating a very good marriage.” I did not want Merritt thinking, as so
many of my clients had, that marriage was so simple that it magically
happened, and couples lived happily ever after.
I have seen the pain people experience after the honeymoon is over,
when they awaken, realizing they have married a mere mortal. I hope to
help you avoid the pitfalls of pain of those who succumb to the “happily
every after” myth.
Those with friendship on fire live a reality tale based on living fully
in the present moment. Dr. Norberto R. Keppe notes that ENVY causes
many of our problems in relationships due to contamination of our thoughts
by comparisons with others. These comparisons block our awareness of
and gratitude for the abundance of goodness and beauty in others and the
world around us. Friendship in fire is about connection and appreciation
of one another and the abundance of grace that surrounds you.
LOOKING GOOD ON PAPER
I sat with a petite twenty-five-year-old with huge brown eyes who told
me that she had learned that you cannot choose a partner simply because
he has cool credentials. In her case, there was no fire with her handsome
fiancé, an Ivy League med school student. When I asked her how she
came to this conclusion, she shared that she had learned from her mother’s
divorce; her mother cautioned her to choose based on the real person and
not because a guy looks good on paper. Friendship on fire combines the
fire of strong feelings and a safe connection.